Genres of Metal, Thanks somethingawful[views:1913][posts:0]________________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 7:57pm - BobNOMAAMRooney ""] Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its corpse. Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and �BWAAARGHHH� vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each others� brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs. Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead of a pedestrian death metal name like �Festering Corpse,� maybe a brutal death metal band would be called �Grotesque Festering Corpse.� [80�s] Hair Metal: Shh, we�re trying to forget. Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and Dragons and read shitty fantasy novels. That�s just a given. But some of them are so nerdy that they can�t even enjoy their metal without explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this crap. Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I�d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan. Metalcore: Adding �core� to the end of a type of music is functionally the same as adding �for morons in white belts.� So, take all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin� guitar riffs. Or, alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken for music. Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good grind band from a bad one? I posit that it�s impossible, and I don�t think I can be proven wrong. Light Metal: I�ve never heard of it. Is it like light rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal equivalent of Christopher Cross? �When you get caught between the moon and Satan�s fiery maw�� Heaby Metal: What the fuck does �heaby� mean? Is this heavy metal for guys with sinus problems? Rap Metal: I�d say that rap metal is music for stupid people, but that�s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal. Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys? Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts? Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk. Nu-Metal: The opposite of� music. Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it�s bad news and you don�t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my state-mandated community service hours). Whatever The Fuck The Cure Is: I already did post-punk, but I guess later The Cure turned into sort of a warbling sad-sack goth-pop band. So, uh, am I telling you about warbling sad-sack goth-pop? It�s sort of like what the Cure does. |